I'll Murder The Easter BunnyTuesday, April 22, 2014
Holidays should not fall on Sundays. This makes Easter very difficult for me. And how terrible am I to say such a thing, right?
But here is the deal...
It is hard for a mama to get a house of kids dressed and ready to head out the door on any given morning. It's chaotic. There are bowls of cereal to be poured, puddles of milk to be wiped up, and toothpaste to squeeze out of the ends of tubes. There are clean underwear to find, hair brushes to wrangle, and matching socks to discover. There are children to pull out of bed and away from cartoons...babies to nurse and diapers to change...and...
What about me?
What about my toothbrush, underwear, socks and cereal?
See what I mean. It's crazy!
I won't mention the snoozing daddy curled up under the covers that scream for mommy to jump back in. Oh...those mean blankets. They mock me...
Because of this, I am seriously considering outlawing the Easter bunny from hopping by my house next year. After all, Easter is not about baskets, right? It's about the resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Savior!
All the Easter bunny manages to do is steal mommy and daddy's extra money for those overly stuffed baskets full of plastic junk and sugar. In five minutes, the living room goes from nice and tidy to a mess of confetti and blasted paper grass EVERYWHERE. Plastic halves of eggs are suddenly land mines. Aluminum candy wrappers are tossed on (no UNDER) every surface...and chocolate is melting in the one patch of morning sunlight filtering in through the windows.
Don't believe me?
Well...to prove it, this is exactly how my Easter morning played out:
The house is quiet and everyone is sleeping. I hear the children's' bedroom door creek open and the sound of my two big loves whispering as they hunt for their baskets.
Daddy gets up because he has to be at church super early for worship practice. He starts pulling on jeans tossed on the floor and tells me the kids are up. I know.
I hear the kids start to panic. They can't find the Easter baskets.
Lucy pops her head in our door and says pathetically, "The Easter bunny hasn't come here yet." Daddy asks if she checked the front door.
Wild squeals of joy and surprise that the bunny DID come by. The sound of cellophane tearing open commences. I hear them declare with happy relief that they got the kites they had been hoping for.
Lucy asks daddy to open her kite. Daddy says we are not opening our kites right now.
Roger has all his guitars and gear packed into the Jeep and heads to church. I climb out of bed, put the baby in the swing, and begin to curl my hair and apply my makeup. "Get some cereal," I tell my oldest.She unwraps a snickers.
I walk out of the bedroom to start a pot of coffee. Lucy is on the couch and asks, "Can I open my kite, mommy?" I say no. After all, we can't fly it right now and the pieces will get lost.
I head back to the bedroom with a cup of coffee. Teddy is running around naked. "Put some underpants on," I say. Lucy is on the couch...with the kite opened and pieces everywhere. O_O I take it away and put it up...clearly stating my displeasure.
I have my hair and makeup finished and slipped into Spanks (Slipped? Impossible!). Lucy is dressed in her new Easter clothes. That's good. Now all she needs to do is brush her teeth and do her hair. I sit down to nurse the baby again and change her wet diaper. "Can I go outside?" I hear Lucy asks. I tell her no, she's in her nice clothes.
8:00 - 9:00 am:
I have no idea. I lose track of time. I think I accidentally zone out while I sip my coffee. I know I dug through the dryer looking for all the parts of Teddy's Easter outfit that I tossed in there to get the wrinkles out. When I find them, they're covered in lint. I don't have a lint brush. It walked off a long time ago. It never occurs to me that I am still only wearing Spanks (which are nude colored). My poor son will need serious therapy. Not to mention my neighbors who more than likely got an eye full when I dug around in the mud room (windows everywhere!) for shoes.
Teddy walks into the bedroom carrying a huge board and asks if he can have it. "I want to build you something," he explains. This is terribly sweet, and I kinda wonder what he was going to build me, but I tell him no and ask him to put it back before he hurts himself. He puts it away. I try really hard to pick the lint off his blue trousers.
I hear Teddy tear off through the kitchen. Then, I hear a thump before he falls to the floor . Next...blood-curdling screams. He put the board away...and then smacked his head into the corner of it as he ran through the kitchen. Now he is in my lap, screaming and shaking, a bit of blood oozing from two small scratches on his scalp.
I am still trying to calm Teddy down as I dab away the blood, spike up his hair, and make his toothbrush him. The baby is screaming from the front of the house. On my way to soothe her, I catch Lucy sneaking in from outside. She sits down at the kitchen chair and pulls her tunic over her knees. "Stop," I kinda shout (yes...I stupidly shouted). "You're gonna stretch out your clothes."
"I can't stop," she explains....
And then I realize what she's done. "Did you fall down?" I ask, stopping dead in my tracks. I begin to put it together in my brain while the color of my face goes from human to volcanic. I can see her kite on the ground outside the window. I look at Lucy who's bottom lip begins to quiver and giant tears fill her eyes. She pulls her tunic up and green grass stains and mud are all over her knees.
I will admit that for the next five minutes, I cannot honestly say I kept my cool. The volcano erupted and everyone was running from the lava. I took Lucy's leggins off and began to scrub at the knees with Shout Out and warm water, tossing them in the dryer. London is still screaming from the front of the house. My heart is pounding. The heat in my body is hellish.
Somehow, I am finally dressed. London is dressed. Teddy is dressed. Lucy is dressed (leggings back on and stain free!!). My mom walks in to pick us up. I can't find a pair of heels. She tells me my dress is a little low cut. I put on a layered, long necklace to camouflage the cleavage. I can't think about that right now. I grab the diaper bag and we're all on our way too church. Because, you know, I obviously NEED a risen savior. Desperately. My lava spews too often.
I realize my dress really is low cut...and the milk building up is not helping. :( Neither is the layered, long necklace (it just draws more attention). Boo. Well. I need Jesus. Now we all now. For sure and for certain.
I will spare you the rest of the day. It was a good service at church. I didn't hear a word of the message, but I know it was good. We went to lunch for burgers afterwards. London was perfect...even if she pooped in my hand. It was still perfect.
The afternoon was filled with crankiness and attempted naps. The candy carnage was still all over our house, leftover from the havoc the Easter bunny brought. Bedtime was something mommy and daddy were grateful for...
But heaven help the bunny should he come to my house next year on Sunday morning. If he MUST stop by, it had better be on Saturday morning. Or else.
PS: In the all the craziness, this is the ONLY picture I got of anyone in the family on Easter morning. It kinda speaks louder than words, right?
Oh, and in case you want a quick lesson on the history of the Easter bunny, you can check it out here.