When I Fail, He Doesn't Seem To CareThursday, February 16, 2012
Both the children and I are not dressed for the day.
Yesterday, I noticed cobwebs in the chandelier and dust bunnies up the wall above the kid's heating vent in their room.
I have a laundry basket full of clean clothes that have not been put away, but might be emptied from the kids wearing the clothes inside before I get the chance to even put them away.
Every single day, I worry a great deal about if I am a good enough mother, if I spend enough one-on-one time with them. I'm sure I don't...but I am pinching every minute of everyday...and trying so hard.
I don't always keep a level tone.
I have been known to yell.
I have a hot temper that is almost impossible to keep in check.
I'm sure my neighbor's think I am crazy...and my house, too.
There is food in the refrigerator that should have been thrown out weeks ago.
I do not clean the toilet every single week. I'm lucky to clean it once a month. Nasty, I know. I used to, though. Does that account for anything?
Do not look in my closets.
I'm a writer that hasn't had the chance to write at all this New Year.
I have several full time jobs that I took on, all on my own, and they don't pay anything. Except photography. That does pay.
But happily, I don't really know when I cried last. That's something. Right?
But here's the thing. I can feel God's eyes on me. As long as they are on me, I know that I am doing something decent. Not right. I know I am not completely doing anything right. Not even close. But decent? I'll take decent as I try to figure things out--including figuring myself out. Because God is patient. God is kind. God is slow to anger. His eyes are on me. That's what matters. He sees something worth keeping His attention. He knows there is hope beyond this terrible mess I am making. He has grace for my children when I fail them. He has patience to spare for my husband when I am acting insane. He has love for me when I have none at all for myself.
It's more than enough.
So...I will close my eyes to the things that I am failing to do, or not doing well enough. Because there are things, I think, that I am doing that couldn't make my Father prouder.