What Am I Doing Here?Tuesday, October 18, 2011
There are times in my life when I just stop, blink and look around me as if I'm not sure how I got to where I am. Ever feel like that? Kinda like when you get in the car and start off on a errand and arrive to your destination, and for the life of you, you can't recall how you even got there. Did you stop at the red lights? Did you cut someone off? Or is that just me? Lord, I hope it isn't just me...
But right now, I'm in a point in my life where I'm driving toward a destination, but I don't even know what that destination is. I don't know what turns to make--I can't even seem to see the green and red lights. I'm just plowing through, holding tight to the steering wheel and hoping that I'm not running anyone off the road.
"Lord, what am I doing here? Where am I going? Where am I supposed to be going?"
Right now I could tie in that Underwood song (is that her?) about Jesus taking the wheel. But I won't do that. It is too easy. Besides, I have this feeling that God wants my hands on the wheel. It feels like He has told me that it is time to start driving, start plowing through...because heaven help me, I would rather pull the car over to the side and just sit there and cry. But how am I ever going to arrive if I am sitting on the sidelines wearing my toddler panties?
The trick is remembering to ask God to sit beside me as I drive. You see, without Him sitting beside me, it's like I'm driving at night (I have night blindness). But when I remember to ask God to sit beside me, navigating for me, He brings light into this crazy, insane world of mine and I can see. He has the map in His hands--a map that He already planned out and drew with His very own, capable hands long ago before I was even born. That map is something beautiful--custom designed for me and my family. I wish I could see it, but every time I take my eyes off the road to glimpse over to see what it looks like, He turns it away and tells me gently, "Trusting me, dear heart, means letting me navigate."
So...I don't know where I am or where I am going. I don't know what I am doing here. Not yet, anyway. I know that right now, right at this moment, I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I know that I am a photographer and a writer with a heart full of hopes, dreams and desires that God planted deep in my heart. I know that I am afraid at times--worried about things that are monster in my life that I can't chase away. There are hard times, adventurous times...and times when all I can seem to do is cry. But I will choose to whisper to my Father, "Sit beside me. Navigate me. I don't know where You are leading me, but I'll trust You. Bring light into this darkness of mine so that I can see the signs pointing me...guiding me."
And that's enough for me in this moment.