Sometimes I Scream At God

"Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continuously before me." ~Isaiah 49:16 KJV

I'm not sure when mine and my husband's life seemed to slip out of our fingertips, but I could feel it happening the day after our son was born. Shouldn't have been a surprise. My youngest was born when the nation's economy was slipping out of our government's fingertips.

Nearly two and a half years later, things are seemingly growing darker. Fear is always on my shoulder--and guilt. Good Christian women don't let the world frighten them, do they now? They stand firm in their convictions and keep their chin high--defiant. But not me. I suppose there are times when I am a very fine warrior--sure and strong--but mostly, I'm weak, scared, angry...and wondering...God, where did you go?

Do you ever feel that way, but maybe for different reasons? Have you ever felt the darkness so cold and suffocating that when you finally get enough strength mustered together to go before the Lord in prayer...all you seem to be able to do is stand ramrod straight, fists at your sides, tears streaming down your cheeks...and screaming at God?

I've done it, shamefully. But nonetheless, liquid peace flowed from the top of my head to the tips of my toes--washing away the tension.

I don't know or pretend to understand why my life must be the way it is right now. But Lord, if this is the way it needs to be for such a time as this, then all I ask is that You see my family through it all. Walk right beside me. I won't ask you to carry me--because I do need to be a big girl--but I will ask that Your presence be tangible beside me every hour of every day.

When the darkness rolls away, briefly, I see that I will shine beautifully. It is only a season. You care how I feel. You see my tears and know their number. You don't frown when I scream out my prayers in anger and desperation. You will never, ever, run away from me. You're there. And I am in the center of Your palm--my name engraved there. Everything will be okay.


PS: Please take a moment to read this amazing devotion by Mary Southerland. I bet a dollar it will bless you. ;)

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