Written in 2006...
I love all the new experiences of motherhood...even the ones that leave you with a bit of vomit in the back of your throat and hands covered in bright yellow poop. Every bit of it--every stinkin' bit of it--is an adventure that I could never do without. It is a greater adventure than rock climbing, greater than biking over rough terrain, and far greater than traveling the world twice over (I've only actually done one of those things, so don't take my word for it). With every explosive diaper and eruption of "Volcano Lucy", I feel that I am becoming a very beautiful and wonderful woman.
When I first brought Lucy home, I did not understand that it was tragically important to get a fresh diaper on a bare bottom as quickly as humanly possible. The end result: a mommy shaped silhouette on the wall where my darling baby commenced to paint with the artistic abilities of her bowels. She covered everything! It could have been funny at the time, if I wasn't standing there stunned with yellow poop dripping off my chin...
Then came the booger sucker. You know what I'm talking about. The first time I used that blue monstrosity marked another milestone in learning the ways of mommy-hood. Lucy looked at me with those innocent and oh-so-trusting eyes when I came at her with the booger plunger. It is a wonder she still loves me as I held her head, pushed the end ever-so-slightly up her nose and sucked away. I was trying to work as quickly as possible before people walking outside the house heard the heartbreaking screams of my newborn. Then...the sucker got clogged up. I pulled it out, looked down the barrel and saw the biggest green booger imaginable. How in the world was she even able to breath?! And how in the world was I to get the booger out??
Without even thinking, I squeezed the sucker. Now, my friends, this is a moment when my Father in Heaven looked down upon me and shook his head with disbelief. He surely shouted from the heavens, "Don't do it, Andrea! Don't...do....it!!!"
But I didn't hear Him.
Out shot the green booger--hitting me straight in the eye. I dropped the sucker and looked down at my baby girl...somewhat embarrassed of my own stupidity and wondering if she knew just how silly her mommy was. She was looking at me, wide-eyed with tears soaking her long lashes. She just stared at me a moment...and then, slowly, a smile spread over her face. It was as if she was saying, "Don't worry about it, momma. We'll learn together."
And that's why mommy-hood is greater than anything else. My girl trusts me...even if I plunge the sucker up her nose...even when I'm dripping with poo looking very much like the creature of the Black Lagoon, and even when I shoot myself in the eye with big, green boogers. She loves me no matter what. That, my friend, is priceless.
Lord, help me remember those moments. Help me to learn to love you when I feel that you're pressing in on me, causing me pain...because you really are not. Let me learn to trust you--completely--amidst the anguish. I want my eyes on You, Lord. Show me. Teach me. Hold me.
reposted from EmmaGayle xanga entry from 2006