Two blog posts in one day? Yeah. I guess I just have a lot to write about all of a sudden. I think it is the last blog post that has my heart and mind battling for attention. :)
I don't know why, but I believe that most people have this stigma attached to them where they cannot understand why another person would love them. Is that why we get pets? Because dogs don't know that we're slobs. After all, they lick their own---well, you know. Our cats don't care if we buy them an ugly sweater for Christmas. Heck, they prefer it that way. Why bother covering up that sexy body with a sweater? Because cats are so self-centered. Even the twenty-five pound Garfield-sized cat isn't aware that he, or she, isn't drop dead gorgeous.
Here's my daily battle with my ability to accept love:
I'm not the best mom. In fact, there are days when I would be ashamed if people could peek in on me at noon and witness the kids and I still in our pajamas. There I would be trying to catch up on work, feeling guilty that Elmo is temporarily babysitting, and that I've been asked half a dozen times for some juice….
See. Even writing that paragraph, I shudder. Seriously, Andrea? You want to put that up on the blog for everyone to read?
Sure. Because you know what, (I say this to the evil-liar-voice somewhere in the back of my mind), I'm equally a pretty darn great mom!
Sometimes, it seems like our faults out number our goodness. That's just because the faults fill us with shame…and the shame is heavy and blinding. You have to refuse not to look at the shame in order to see the goodness towering just beyond. The same goes with God. You have to look through all the bad things going on in our lives, all the anguish and pain, all the disappointments and failures, and see that God is standing--towering over it---just beyond.
But then I think...
Wasn't I the same woman who walked through the produce department of the grocery store with her nose buried in her list and conked her head on the metal scale? Didn't everyone turn to stare at me--one teenage girl laughing out loud before covering her mouth? Yeah. Yeah, that was me. I should have been embarrassed. I was. A little.
And weren't you the woman who then knocked over the carefully and artistically arranged display of hot chocolate?
Yeah. That part makes me giggle, actually. Even I was starting to wonder who I was and what was going on inside of my brain! :)
Aren't you the woman who keeps every part of her house as clean as possible unless there is some form of door to shield the mess from visitors eyes? I'm a closet hoarder. Literally. But in now way in need of television to help me with this problem. So don't call!!!
And I'm the woman who mispronounces my words over and over again. It's genetics. My grandma does the same thing.
And I'm the one who will walk into a screen door or get stuck in a rotating door. I shut my legs in car doors (I just shouldn't be allowed near doors). I talk to myself when I dry my hair. I put things in the freezer that I meant to put in the bathroom closet. I refuse to ball socks and fold underwear. I do not pre-rinse dishes or check them when I put them away. I forget to have my kids brush their teeth TWICE a day. There are times when I suddenly blink and wonder just where in the world I am. I fear the day when I will blink and forget WHO I AM! :)
I don't always get to read my bible every day. Sometimes I can't figure out where I put it. Other days I just hurt so much that I don't want to talk to God, though I end up doing so…because I tell Him that I don't want to talk to Him. That counts.
But He loves me. He really does. I have no idea why. Sometimes I am certain that He messed something up along the way. This isn't how He wanted me to turn out. Surely I failed Him in some way. Because….He just couldn't love me. There's no way.
Thank God, that even right now, even in these dark and scary moments, something, someone, reminds me that He does in fact love me. Because this world is trying hard to convince me otherwise. You wanna know who that person was today?
About the moment that I knocked the stack of hot chocolate over…I heard God laugh out loud. That's when I knew His eyes were on me, that I was perfect--fearfully made and wonderful in His sight---and that He looked upon me with nothing but pure love shining in His eyes.
Thank you, Father, for loving me. I'm okay with you laughing at me. I promise. ;) But I still think you put the scale and hot chocolate display there on purpose!
PS: And because I can...I'm adding one last video of "How He Loves"...just the entire song, this time. I've heard it a zillion times, but today, it just seems to be my theme song.